Category Archives: Parenting

January 17, 2013 · 2:24 pm

2013 Resolutions: The Third of Four

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These are my kids. They are each unique, funny in their own quirky ways, and teach me more than they will ever know about life, God, and what matters most (candy & fun of course!). I’m amazed at the gift they are to me, blessings even though they are imperfect, and how easy they are to love despite their rebelliousness sometimes.

Barnabas Piper wrote an article recently titled 7 Things a Pastor’s Kid Needs from a Father on the Gospel Coalition. It was incredibly encouraging to hear him be open about his own experience and also offer wisdom for others. When I first became a parent, I didn’t consider the thought that I would be a pastor eventually and that my kids might be known as “pastor’s kids”. They are just my kids and I am just their dad. As I considered these resolutions, these sentences stuck with me.

A pastor’s children, though, are carried on the current of their parents’ calling. It is often a life of singular struggle and uncommon needs. These struggles often stem from the failures of the father. This isn’t to cast full blame on pastors for their children’s problems. But it is to say that pastors need to work to be good dads…

He also leads off with the number 1 thing our kids need is to just be their dad.

Yes, you are called to pastor your family, but PKs want a dad—someone who plays with them, protects them, makes them laugh, loves their mom, gives hugs, pays attention, teaches them how to build a budget and change the oil and field a ground ball. We want committed love and warmth.

So the third of four resolutions is to just be their dad.

Fascinated by them and aiming for fun with them

For me this starts with being fascinated by them, being curious at the things they enjoy, want to do, and the things that bother them, annoy them, and hurt them. Each of my children have their own personality (and a growing confidence with it). They like different things, some of those are easy for me to like, but others I’m learning to enjoy.

As I’ve walk home each evening this year, I pray for my children and my wife. I’m also asking for grace to enter into my home ready to play, eat dinner, and talk with my kids instead of wanting to rest and disconnect. Frankly, it’s not easy to transition home, but since I’ve been doing this, I find myself more prepared to get beaten up and wrestle with my boys while trying to enjoy the tea and fake cookies my little girl has made on her fake kitchen.

We’ve always tried to Sabbath together as a family on Saturdays, planning a family outing that we enjoy together, to make memories, and most times we come home physically tired. But I’ve found that physically tired can provide an enjoyable “rest” if it’s from delighting in the family. I’ve also found great joy in a Saturday afternoon playing baseball with my boys, just being their dad, where they don’t think of me in light of Sunday responsibilities.

Listening and Sharing

As my sons get older and come home from school, we have some of the most fascinating conversations. From discussing why singing “Hey Sexy Lady” from Gangnam Style (thanks for having only 3 English words) doesn’t honor women to bullies, why we have to read when we can just do math, and which girl my sons are sure they are going to marry.

I’m learning to listen, to ask questions about how it makes them feel or what it makes them think instead of immediately jump to teaching or correcting mode. I’m also learning to remember some stories from my childhood, the things I thought and learned along the way both in failures and success. They love to hear stories about my life that mirror some of their experiences. It’s also helpful for me to remember that I was a knucklehead once with loving parents, and by God’s grace I made it to today.

Discipline and Delight

When I was in Tacoma, Washington last October at Soma School, I picked up a book at my host home that I don’t even remember, but it was about the husband and father’s role entering into a home. The idea that has stuck with me is that a husband/father must be able to enter or leave the home without disrupting or damaging the environment.

I’m reminded about this when my presence sends our kids into hyper-excitement right before dinnertime. I have to be conscious of what I’m walking into, but I also must be a part of setting that environment. This has involved recognizing that our hope is for our family to delight in one another, to love and honor one another, but that doesn’t just happen when a family is in the same room.

We’ve discovered that discipline and delight are linked. We have 5 family ways that we encourage and teach our children to aim for in hopes of loving one another well, but just like me they don’t always love and honor one another. They fight, steal each other’s toys, and whine (yes, just like me). We’ve discovered that discipline, without anger, creates an environment of delight. Confession and forgiveness, from me and them, has been helpful as we hope to create a delightful environment.

This resolution is essentially aiming to be fully present at home for my kids and not for my own benefit. I need to be resolved to remember this often because I am susceptible to selfishness, as we all are, and my selfishness doesn’t aim to enjoy and love them, it’s aims to find that for myself.

These are my kids and I love them. I love being their dad.

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July 17, 2012 · 9:10 am

Like a Gothic Cathedral

As we have lived in New York the last few years, we have met some of the most interesting people and have been blessed to be invited into the lives of some of the families at Eli’s school. One of the families at Eli’s school owns a few restaurants in the city and has found themselves in a habit of renovating spaces either for home, leisure or restaurants.

Last spring break, we were discussing renovation, the challenges, setbacks, and even how it can become an addiction to bring something from a tough place to a beautiful venue. I made the comment that kids often seem like the never ending renovation project, always looking to bring out more and more of their excellence.

He laughed and then while describing his daughter said, “She’s like a gothic cathedral if I were to compare her to a renovation project.”

What a beautiful vision for your child. I was inspired and encouraged to think through the analogy and continue to think it’s a beautiful approach in viewing your children.

Many renovation projects are fully gutting the place and starting from scratch, but you would never do that with a gothic cathedral. You would carefully seek to restore the fine details while trying not to destroy or harm the fine details that make the cathedral so glorious. It would be a long, and at times painful, process to reveal the beauty that has been established within and bring it out to display as it was intended.

It seems the same with kids. A long, at times painful, process of seeking their joy and helping them be established in who they were made to be. This beautiful vision has led me to think through how I view my own kids and shows me how my view of them shapes my approach to them.

What’s my vision for my kids?

Approaching my children with a vision towards them being similar to a gothic cathedral in need of renovation would dramatically change my approach than if I viewed them as a broken down house in need of being completely rebuilt. It’s a long process to raise kids and patience is essential to not crush the potential beauty that needs to shine through the messier parts of parenting.

This forces me to recognize the great need for careful instruction and refining discipline that (I hope) would be received as trustworthy wisdom to increase their joy and confidence in life.

Now, this type of vision could also crush them if I demand it to be a reality instead of a hope. I could crush my sons and daughter under the weight of expectations when setbacks in their life happen. In renovations, setbacks happen all the time, there’s not a single construction or renovation project that hasn’t had mistakes or delays. My children will make mistakes, but they don’t need to be defined by them in my eyes or their own.

I also don’t want to thrust my dreams for their lives onto them as expectations. This where the renovation project becomes a blur since the finished project isn’t set in stone and there is no blueprint. How do you renovate a gothic cathedral when you don’t know what it is supposed to look like? This is one of the most challenging parts of parenting, seeing great potential in your kids and knowing it could turn out a thousand different ways.

Focusing on Character over Results

This has led me to try and center in on my children’s character instead of what they will be one day. I don’t know what job or life Eli will pursue one day, but I know his character now can be refined and enhanced to make him a man of great character one day.

Similar to a renovation that seeks to fortify the foundations and structure of a building, this involves looking to the roots and motivations for his actions. I’ve asked a lot more questions that make statements as Eli has grown up to learn about how he views the world. I can’t assume he sees everything like I do and I continue to be fascinated by how his mind processed the world around him. These conversations are my favorite part of parenting and they typically happen away from the formal family times.

This conversation with our family friends happened months ago, but it continues to stick with me as I consider my role as a father seeking to disciple his children in Christ and raise them to thrive in current culture. I find myself at a loss for the next stage of renovation, but have found myself seeking God so much more.

I desire for my kids to love and deeply know God as the source of joy and to spend their lives honoring Jesus through loving and thriving in their home life, work life, and church life. I desire my boys to become great men and my daughter to be a glorious woman like her mom. I’m an idealist, but I know the reality that this aim in parenting will take more time, patience, and intention than I give anything else. The journey excites me while increasing my anxiety, but thankfully I hope in the one God able to do more than I can even imagine for my children.

My only hope is God

As a Christian, I find my wisdom from God’s word. The Proverbs have been a place where I have camped out in regards to seeking wisdom in parenting, not to mention the way the scriptures bring a peace that I can’t really describe. Through the Proverbs, wisdom is given to children, parents, and people in how to deal anger, relationships, money, planning for the future and so much more.

As I think about all that I’d like to see my sons and daughter become as well as the many broken ways of living that I would like them to avoid, I simply find myself in prayer. Simply surveying my own life over the last decade has revealed how much God has provided that I could not have expected and many times through prayer. How much more can I expect the Maker of all things to be able to accomplish more in the lives of my children that I can even dream for them.

I love the vision of seeing my children as an epic gothic cathedral and I get the privilege of renovating it, revealing it’s beauty and character to enable it to thrive as it was intended. My God help Amber and I to love our kids in this way.

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June 27, 2012 · 10:08 am

Wednesday Wondering: Could the TOMS model work for Christian education?

Every now and then, I get a random idea that doesn’t leave my brain for weeks. Almost 2 months ago, I wrote two blogs on the gospel, Christian parenting, & education options. I received a lot of positive feedback on both of them, and it led me to continue thinking through how certain models of education that parts of the church pursue could be moved toward improving education amongst the poor.

Poor areas of the city are notorious for poor education scores and in great need of investment that goes beyond what government can provide. Only the church has the long-lasting motivation of the never-changing God and His gospel of hope and salvation that can sustain long-term transformation.

There are quite a few families in the church that are pursuing homeschooling alternatives and classical Christian education. This has led me to wonder how the benefits of these can be leveraged to improve the quality of education in our cities. While I believe the church must engage in the public schools and assist students in need, I also wonder how these families and Christian education providers could partner together to serve their city.

The TOMS Model

TOMS Shoes was founded by Blake Mycoskie in 2006 after he traveled and connected with children in Argentina that had no shoes to protect their feet. The company matches every pair of shoes purchased with a pair of new shoes for a child in need. According to their website they have “given over 1,000,000 pairs of new shoes to children in need around the world.”

Whatever your view of TOMS shoes, it’s obvious that they are a business created to bless people around the world. In the same way they have blessed kids with shoes, they are now seeking to bless the world by improving eyesight through selling sunglasses.

Why not for Christian education?

This has me wondering if the same idea could be applied to Christian education, whether it is private schools, homeschooling, or classical Christian education options, similar to Veritas.

Christian families that seek to embody the gospel of Jesus Christ desire that their children know God, have a great education, and share Jesus with the world through declaring the gospel and demonstrating it through mercy and justice. Many of them pursue these education opportunities to do just that.

What if these curriculum providers partnered with local families to provide curriculum and resources at a different cost to provide a better alternative to schooling? Much of the content has already been created and the information technology today provides an opportunity to distribute this content in innovative ways that reduce cost.

Could parents pay a little more than usual and curriculum providers partner for merciful engagement of one of the biggest needs in our day? Each homeschooling or classical Christian educating family could participate in the education of another child in their area. This invites Christian families to take ownership of the education of those around them, seeking to extend the benefits they receive from education to others.

I know that Christian private schools provide a limited number of discounted tuition and scholarships, but what if the pricing structure changed for these schools, co-ops, and classical Christian schools to seek renewal of a city through education? The church’s mission is to participate in the gospel of Jesus Christ as it renews broken systems, structures, and institutions just as it addresses personal needs.

Education is one of these systems and institutions in need of innovation and investment from the church.

Bob Lupton in his book, Theirs is The Kingdom, writes about how his family and church’s investment in a local public school transformed the grades in that school.

Four years later, when the children of Slaton Elementary School took the California Achievement Test, a national standardized test, parents and teachers alike were overwhelmed at the result. The average test score was in the seventy-second percentile, an increase of more than forty percentage points!

I genuinely believe that the church is a powerful force in addressing injustice and can do so especially well in education. My hope is that churches invest in public schools as well, but I also know that the gospel of Jesus Christ can be displayed through every schooling option.

This is a great time of opportunity for the church to think innovatively in how they can meet the needs of their neighborhood.

I wonder if the TOMS model could be an opportunity for Christian education in seeking to improve the quality of education that the poor and marginalized receive. It could be a great partnership between the church, Christian families, and Christian schooling providers to renew a broken area of our society that is in desperate need.

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May 3, 2012 · 12:26 pm

The Gospel, Christian Parenting & Schooling Options, Part 2

Last week, I wrote a post on how the gospel of Christ must shape the approach to schooling for Christian parents.

There is great benefits to a church community that embraces all of the schooling options provided in our culture, but it requires that families have confidence in the gospel of Christ and not their “right way” of schooling. When this confidence in Christ prevails, it leads to families who do not condemn others for choosing a different schooling option while allowing for collaboration across the various schooling perspectives.  Each option of schooling has its benefits and challenges for Christian families who seek to embody the gospel of Jesus Christ. We also must understand the full implications of believing in the gospel of Jesus Christ as the definer of all of our lives, including family life.

Placing your faith in Christ as Lord and Savior, believing that having faith in Christ’s perfect life, death on the cross for your sins, and believing in His bodily resurrection from the dead requires that we bring our life and our life’s purpose under God’s gracious reign. In parenting, this means Christians aim to raise their children to know and live like Jesus. The scriptures go on to say that this is displayed through a lifestyle that reflects Christ’s holiness in morality, but also His gracious boldness in mission. For families in the church, personal morality and gracious engaging culture on mission have often been seen as mutually exclusive, but the gospel of Christ demands both.

This means that schooling options and outside of schooling family life must be evaluated in how it influences the family’s ability to truly follow Christ. This perspective leads us to ask what are the benefits and challenges for families trying to reflect Jesus in each of their schooling environments.

These are broad strokes that attempt to take complex family situations and summarize them in simple phrases of benefits and challenges. They are not comprehensive. (yes, this is my disclaimer of my own imperfection)

Private School

I’m distinguishing between private schools and private Christian schools because they have different benefits and challenges.

Benefits

Excellent schooling
Many private schools promise preparation for a great future in education and career success. Private schools carry with them a reputation of future success based on their rigorous education. This helps families embody the gospel of Christ by honoring God with excellence in education that can lead to influencing culture for the common good, not just the exaltation of a Christian nation.

Provision for Gospel Mission

While many parents choose private schools because of their education reputation, one thing they may overlook is the opportunity their family now has in displaying Jesus to an area that can typically lack a gospel presence. Christian families have the opportunity to display the grace of God to their children in an environment where acceptance is usually based on individual performance. This contrasts with the gospel proclaiming acceptance through faith in Christ alone.

Challenges

Stressful high performance atmosphere

The challenge for families in this environment is not crushing your children under the weight of stressful performance. Your child may excel at school and yet have their soul crushed by the demands of achievement. Private schools cultivate an environment that will challenge parents in encouraging their children to not base their worth on the grade or rank in class. The freedom the gospel of Christ brings in the area of performance can actually enhance their performance because it places the performance of Christ over the performance of self. This realignment is freeing to pursue excellence without anxiety.

Financial burden

The cost of private school is beginning to trump the cost of Ivy League education. While the church needs families who display the gospel in every socio-economic class, the financial burden can be a challenge to stewarding resources for God’s kingdom first.

A Culture that can Lack Diversity

While many private schools are seeking to improve diversity, they predominantly have one demographic. For families who are seeking to prepare kids to love all different types of people, they will have to identify ways outside of their natural schooling environment.

Public School

Benefits

Preparing for Authority Outside the Home

This is true of private schools as well but I didn’t want to keep repeating everything. One of the primary roles of parenting is to be the life teacher of their children. Deferral parenting prevails throughout schooling outside the home, but parents never move on from being their children’s educator. Schooling outside the home provides focused time for children to be educated by trained educators and freedom to parents to become supplemental educator.

This is a great opportunity to educate in the gospel of Christ or provide additional focus in areas of weakness for your children. Eventually, children will work for someone else and schooling outside the home prepares them to work for an authority that may not reflect the character of Christ. Following Jesus’ example and the teachings of scripture, Christians are to honor all earthly authorities as set up by God ultimately.

Exposure to diversity & culture

There are certainly public schools that lack diversity, but the majority of public schools provide the other education of social intelligence. It is increasingly important in our country that our children learn to appreciate the cultural distinctive and learn to extend the gospel of Christ to a variety of belief systems. This provision of gospel mission is a challenge to any family, but by living this in front of your children, you are educating them with & without words to love people for their dignity as God’s creation and not simply because they benefit you.

Challenges

Quality of education

In many areas of the country, the quality of education through public schools is lacking and not getting much better. Parents are faced with the challenge of valuing education, seeking education reform for the benefits of the children in their area while seeking the best education for their own children.

Environment that can contrast home

Just as the world around us does not always reflect the values of a Christian family’s home life, the public school does not promote Christianity. This can be a challenge and an opportunity for parents to prepare their children for a society that does not believe the same as them.

Family time becomes dictated by school

Schooling outside the home is giving up autonomy and freedom for families for vacations and family activities. A lot of people, Christians included, don’t like giving up autonomy to a perfect and gracious God, let alone to an impersonal institution.

Private Christian School

Benefits

Christian-based environment

This provides an environment that seeks to reinforce the home environment while seeking to provide an excellent education. This has its advantages in assisting parents in educating their children in the truths of the scriptures and in the lifestyle that models Christ. It does not always reflect it perfectly, so parents must beware of deferral parenting in this environment.

Quality of Education

The quality of education is also typically better and similar to the benefits mentioned for private schools.

Challenges

Lack of gospel mission as family

Natural relationships that can come from private school or public school do not exist in this environment as readily and will require that families find ways to incorporate the mission and mercy of Christ into their rhythm of life.

This also plays into the lack of diversity mentioned above. Christian families must ask whether they are seeking private school for educational purposes or for child-protective purposes. Pursuing a safe and secure place can be beneficial to a point, but safety as governor of a child’s life can impede the mission of God in their future. I’m not advocating throwing them to the wolves of culture, but in light of the gospel this must be considered.

Homeschooling

Benefits

Time

There is a benefit for families to dictate their time and even utilize their time for great extension of the gospel as a family through having more autonomy of schedule. Families can dictate their time and this provides great responsibility for families in stewarding their time for God’s ends and not their own comfort alone.

Parents who shape the content & environment

Parents are able to determine the curriculum and shape their children’s education and the environment where they learn. This enables parents to customize their children’s education to enhance their strengths, to supplement their weaknesses and even add classes not naturally provided in public school environments.

Challenges

Teaching & Parenting, especially w/ multiple kids

While parents never stop being a teacher of their children in general, they don’t always have to provide grades. The mix of being a parent that loves unconditionally and a teacher that grades conditionally can be a challenge in seeking to reflect the gospel of Christ. This gets enhanced when trying to parent younger children and educate older children.

Social constraints

The very nature of homeschool provides constraints socially and culturally. This can be overcome, but the gospel of Christ that prepares every child for eventually interacting with the culture demands that families consider how they will supplement their homeschool to provide social interaction. Children need friends and need friendships that become best friendships and need to deal with the loss of friendships.

Using Time for God’s Mission

The flexibility of homeschooling can be a temptation for many Christian families to focus on one-half of the gospel, moral adherence. This is the natural tendency of many in the American church and while moral adherence must not be sacrificed, children must be prepared for it to be confronted by the culture around them. We do not live M. Night Shyamalan’s Village and must not be naïve as parents in assisting our children in encountering culture.

Charter School

Benefits

High-performance of a private school without the cost

The rise of charter schools has provided quality education without the natural cost. The challenge can be getting a spot in the competitive lottery system.

Diversity of beliefs & cultures found in public school

A natural provision of gospel mission enables families to reflect the gospel as similarly described in public school above without some of the challenges facing public school parents with low quality of education.

Challenges

High-stress & typically time consuming environment

All success comes at a cost and with charter schools that can be the sacrifice of time and the increase of a stressful environment. Parents will battle the similar challenges as private school families.

Processing culture

Accompanying diversity of beliefs and culture is the challenge for parents to help their children process the differences without condemning others that are not like us. The gospel of Christ offers an inclusive invitation to all to an exclusive claim that Jesus Christ alone is Lord & Savior. That’s a challenge for me to process let alone to assist children in dealing with these challenges as they face other children from different cultures and belief systems.

Conclusion

While the scriptures and the gospel of Christ do define one “right way” to educate your children, the gospel of Christ must shape our approach to understand the benefits we are choosing and confronting the challenges we will face as families who adhere to the Christian faith. Churches with a diversity of schooling families benefit as these families collaborate instead of condemn one another.

We eventually chose public school and I will be writing about why we chose public school while providing an update on Eli’s first year in public school in the near future.

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April 25, 2012 · 12:45 pm

The Gospel, Christian Parenting, & Schooling Options

When I first became a parent I was taken aback by how quickly I wanted to find the right method of parenting and trumpet it as the authoritative way that every parent should do it! It wasn’t just me though, everyone reads and discusses being an attachment parent, if you’re going to Ferber-ize your child and everyone has their own advice they’d like to give you.

It can be a stressful situation that new parents find themselves in because it feels like there should be ONE right way that you HAVE to figure out or you’re going to screw up your kid for life. This is true for any parents, but I especially saw the debate inside of a church setting as even more heated. This is the result of people baptizing their family preferences in the gospel of Christ and seeking to make it an absolute truth that everyone should follow.

This is made worse by the fact that disagreeing on parenting methods is seen as an inappropriate conversation in many circles. People feel judged and offended, but we were blessing to be living inside of a Christian community that didn’t allow it to be an off-limits conversation.

It helped us to distinguish between gospel-centered parenting and preference-exalting parenting. Gospel-centered parenting sees the truths of Jesus Christ’ life, death, and resurrection and the scriptures as the primary focus and principles that shapes all of parenting. This outlines the purpose of a family, how the mission of God is accomplished as a family, and how the family is to interact with one another, the church, and the world. It informs the principles, attitudes, discipline and education for children in parenting.

Preference-exalting parenting agrees with gospel-centered parenting but typically goes beyond that to define the exact methods that must be followed to accomplish all that parenting entails. This happens when homeschooling parents are ostracized as culture-fearing super-protective parents and this also happens when people interpret the scriptures admonition to educate in the Lord to only mean classical Christian education condemning those who choose public school.

As my kids have grown and the schooling conversation has entered our lives, it’s felt like we had our first baby all over again. Questions, our convictions and desires,  along with other people’s convictions and preferences were coming at us. Can you be a Christian parent and send your child to public school? Does being a Christian parent mean homeschooling or private Christian schooling?

It has been a challenging process of asking and exploring these questions theologically, practically, and discussing these ideas with a number of other people and families. It has become clear that many people want to exalt their way of schooling as the perfect way to follow Christ and be a Christian parent, but God does not spell out a perfect method of schooling.

Christian parents are tasked with the responsibility to educate their children in the scriptures, the gospel of Jesus Christ and develop them to be able to maturely encounter a world that increasingly doesn’t believe the same truths.

The education of a child plays into this task tremendously, so parents must explore and examine the best route for their child, their family, and themselves for schooling. There is not just one option for Christian families and the church must be more open and ready to equip families to enjoy the benefits and tackle the challenges of each.

As each Christian family decides how to educate their child, the gospel of Jesus Christ gives them the freedom to have confidence in their choice without condemnation of those who do not choose the same as them. When a church is filled with families who have confidence in their families approach to education, they can be a collection of families who collaborate for the holistic flourishing of the children in the church and in their city.

Not One, but Many Schooling Options for Christian Families

There are predominantly 5 major options for a Christian family when approaching education. Each of them has their challenges in seeking to follow Christ, but the church should encourage, and needs, gospel-centered families in every single option. The mission of the church is to display and declare Jesus to every sphere of life and schooling is one of those spheres.

Currently, here are the 5 options I see:

  1. Private School
  2. Private Christian School
  3. Public School
  4. Homeschooling
  5. Charter School

We spent a year exploring these different options before enrolling Eli in public school here in New York City and it’s been amazing, but it hasn’t been without its challenges.

I’m hoping to discuss the benefits and challenges for gospel-centered parenting that each of these options present another time.

Here’s the major challenge and the most necessary thing for a church community to encourage for families. Families need to be encouraged to have confidence in their schooling choice without condemning others and families need to collaborate for holistic flourishing.

Confidence without Condemnation

There have been times when I have felt condemned and even seen as foolish for sending my child to public school, as if I’m failing them in their spiritual journey by sending them to public school. I also know that others families have felt condemned by me because of our confidence in sending our children to public school.

I’ve seen too many Christian parents that seem almost embarrassed about their schooling choice, whatever it may be, and that needs to change. Families should be confident in the direction and vision they have for their families to be educated and their families to embody Jesus in every environment.

Without confidence, condemnation will be felt and conveyed, but confidence provides the freedom to communicate the motivations for the schooling options. This sets you free from the need to exalt your choice above others and the ability to acknowledge and understand others’ choices.

Collaboration For Every Holistic Flourishing

Since each schooling options provides its unique challenges, I imagine the beauty of collaboration among families. Imagine the homeschooling families sharing their wisdom in teaching their children scriptural truths being shared with families of children who only have a few hours every night and weekends to do so because of school outside the home.

Imagine public, charter, and private school families inviting their homeschooling friends to share in the social and missional benefits they lack from schooling at home.

I see great benefit, encouragement, and empowerment in families with confidence in their schooling choice seeking to collaborate for the benefit of their children. The gospel of Jesus Christ calls us to be an alternative community in our way of living, but also to be that community in the midst of people who believe differently than we do.

For families, the way we educate our children has implications for our ability to embody the gospel to one another and to the world around us. We have a responsibility to our kids, but also to our neighbor’s kids so we must take that corporate responsibility to seek the holistic flourishing of our families and the families of our city.

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February 27, 2012 · 9:05 am

Missional Community: Integrating Children

One of the many challenges that Community Groups face is how to handle children in the community.  We have a key conviction that children should be included and seen as members of the Community Group.

This means they are seen as members of the community that need to be discipled with the gospel as we seek to be a community on mission. If we don’t count the children, then we could easily find ourselves in the situation one of our Community Groups faced where there were 14 adults and a total of 16 children. That’s 30 total people that must be considered and accounted for in order to even meet as a Community Group.

In New York City, there are no apartments that fit 30 people and even if there were, 16 children in one apartment is asking for chaos and destruction. It became unmanageable and impeded the ability of the Community Group to care for one another and be on mission together.

Church Community as Family

We discuss Community Groups as a family and we all know the extended family is involved in raising and developing the children. When we move to a community in proximity and become a community that moves beyond the event into the rhythm of everyday life, we discover that an entire community viewing themselves as a family blesses the children of the community.

They are given models of the Christian life other than their parents in all walks of life with varying pasts that educate them on the paths and careers they would want to pursue.  The various spiritual gifts, talents, and resources in the church are displayed for them inside of a community that is seeking to love Jesus most and to love them.

If I had never been shown how to parent by a family before I had kids, I would have been a dramatically different, likely over-protective and fearful parent. But I was handed a 3-month old when I was a 23-year old single man and given a bottle to feed her at dinner with the community I had just started being a part of and I am so thankful for this education. I was able to see the good and challenging parts of parenting, discipline and delight of parenting that led me to see children as a blessing and prepared me to be a father.

There are so many people in the church who have never seen a family try to display the love and grace of Christ to their children. Many who were not shown this by their own parents and are left trying to figure it out. When we seek to integrate children, we bless the family and the kids, but we also bless every member of the community that is able to learn from watching parents who seek to love their kids.

What most people think about in the children in Missional Communities/Community Groups conversation is the actual formal meeting time. Every missional community has a time set aside where they meet (let’s call this the formal time) and then they spend time together outside of this time (let’s call this the informal time).

During Community Group Formal Meeting Time

As we’ve approached this question with our Community Groups, we really believe there are 3 primary options, but with each option it must be considered how the children will be shown truth, have fun, and experience the love of Christ. The 3 options are babysitting, family integration for part of the Community Group or family integration all the time. Each of these requires their own intentional focus for the specific time the group meets. But this also point us back to the reality that we must stop viewing church community as an event to attend once a week, but a community rhythm we live throughout the week.

Babysitting

Some Community Groups choose to have the kids meet at one house, others choose to have them in another room, but each week someone from the Community Group rotates to babysit as their way of serving the community. We also encourage them to use the Jesus Storybook Bible or provide kid’s ministry curriculum that is age appropriate. This can be an amazing way for a community to serve one another while learning to disciple each other’s children.

Family Integration for Part of the Community Group

This is orienting the Community Group so that children are included for parts, but not all of the time. This might cause you to change your Community Group time to meet to Saturday morning for a big family breakfast with everyone that includes a time focused on everyone caring for and teaching the children. The other time is utilizing babysitting to have fun, know God, and extend the love of Christ to children. This forces a community to learn to let all of our conversations be rooted in the gospel even in the midst of our children.

Family Integration for All of the Community Group

This is the commitment by the Community Group to reorient everything so that children are always welcomed. This must be an outflow of the entire community desiring to extend Jesus’ love to the children. What are things about your Community Group that would have to adapt to include children? The conversations would likely change, the setting would likely be more informal and having encouraging or challenging conversations will have to become normal in the midst of chaos. This will also force the accountability times and even some of the prayer times to be different throughout the week.

For this to be a reality, the community will eventually learn to have a conversation that is broken up by the cries and requests of kids. This challenges the typical view that children are an interruption rather than a blessing to our lives. If you ever want to extend the gospel to a parent, you are going to have to eventually be able to communicate with them while they have their kids climbing on them and hurting themselves.

The benefits of this mindset are many. I know from experience that my children benefit greatly, have more joy, and more obedience after they are around a number of people who love them. For it to be a community that also seeking to love Jesus most assists me greatly as a father to share my faith with my children in a natural way.

But this not only benefits the children, the entire community is changed and blessed by this key conviction. This provides a window to gospel-centered family, teaching singles and young marrieds how to be parents and to grow spiritual, gospel-centered children. This could open up singles to adopt and pursue parenting children before society tells them they are ready. Parents benefit from what I mentioned before, receiving help in extending the love of Christ to their children from a wider community.

Gospel Enjoyment leads parents to integrate their faith into every moment of their family time and it leads a community to do the same as they integrate families and children into the rhythm of their Christian community.

This continues to be a challenge for us, but our convictions are leading us to explore different options, challenge the notion that we must outsource children’s ministry to professionals, and we are continuing to learn. We gladly welcome any additional insight from your experience.

What have you seen happen when trying to integrate children into missional communities.

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January 23, 2012 · 12:27 pm

Monday Morning Family Fun

We were looking at some pictures and videos the other night and thought I would share some of them with you.

This is Calvin at the Central Park Carousel the day he arrived in NYC. It’s crazy to see how much he has grown up since then!

Here are the boys having fun in our first apartment dressed up as Spiderman and Batman. They are super cute!

This past year we started the kid’s ministry at our Union Square Congregation so this was the first Apostles Church Advent Choir. Though small, they rocked it!

Mya took her first steps about a month ago, so we handed the iPhone to Eli to take the video. His excitement is awesome! She has refused to take any steps since…

Hope you enjoyed them!

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January 10, 2012 · 12:32 pm

The Reactionary Life: At Home

Last week I wrote about my realization that I have been living a reactionary life at home, at work, and at church in a way that has prevented me from enjoying life, enjoying relationships, and pursuing excellence in all areas of my life. I received some good feedback and some questions, so I thought I would elaborate on each of those areas as I seek to be proactive in the coming year.

Life Schedule

One of the most common things I’ve seen in my life and others is getting to the end of the week and feeling like every night of the past week and the coming week is full, feeling overwhelmed and overcommitted. It’s the result of saying yes to invitations without setting any aim for how you would want to spend your weeks. Maybe you want to be busy every night, but not by doing the things you have committed too, maybe you want to see a date night become a weekly reality, maybe you want to see a night of rest and relaxation happen.

The reality is you won’t see any of it happen unless you set out to plan your week and your month. What’s funny about this is scheduling is natural for work, but somehow doesn’t transfer to the home.

We love having people in our home as often as possible since we desire to be hospitable, to build community where people are cared for and invited to be a part of our family life. We also have 3 kids who we desire to have a great relationship with through fun evenings and now we have a kindergartener with homework.

Juggling all of these without a schedule isn’t something we do well, but luckily I have an amazing wife who likes to organize/create a color-coded calendar (I use Google Calendar, but she prefers less technology), but we’ve added to this recently a general daily schedule that reminds us of our family goals in displaying Christ to our kids, to our friends, and to our neighbors through a healthy home life. We by no means stick to it by the minute and feel the freedom to shift things around depending on the day, but it provides a guide for us that, so far is enabling our family to thrive more than the reactionary life.

Marriage

Somewhere along the line, pre-marital classes became the beginning and end of working on your marriage, as if it were a college class that certified you to have a good marriage. The benefit of pre-marital classes and counseling is being forced to discuss and work through potential troubles, but all too often they become one-and-done conversations instead of the foundation of a pattern of communication in your marriage. Then you get married and try to merge two lives into one way of living and become surprised when it isn’t natural and easy because you have that pre-marital class certificate that said you were ready.

I continue to learn that cultivating a healthy marriage is a continual process, that a healthy marriage is what enables me to thrive in every area of my life. But if I only give it attention when something is wrong or a disagreement occurs, I’m only trying to maintain a relationship that was made to evolve and grow over time. Amber and I have a great relationship, but I want it to continue to grow, to thrive, and to be even stronger than ever.

Moving to be proactive has led me to create more date nights, which for us means seeking out more generous babysitting (read: we pay with food) earlier to plan for the month. I’ve set a reminder on my phone to daily set aside time to consider how I’m caring for my wife and cultivating my marriage. We are cultivating as close to nightly a routine as possible of sitting together to connect.

Luckily there are a slew of new books on marriage to continue the discussion together with Mark Driscoll’s Real Marriage, Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage, and Tim Chester’s Gospel-Centered Marriage (cheesy cover included for free).

Just like any new habit, it takes time and can be challenging, but the rewards of joy are worth it.

Parenting

There have been times in my reactionary life where I’ve felt like I’ve spent the whole day correcting or disciplining or trying to overcome a meltdown of one of my kids. I felt like I never got ahead of them and they won that day exhausting me and bringing out my oh so many flaws.

In addition, every child is uniquely designed to thrive in certain ways, to learn in certain ways, and it is a never-ending task of parenting to know your child and pursue their holistic well-being.

In early December it hit me that no one is waiting around to teach me to be a great dad or even a great husband. Plenty of people would love to cultivate a great leader or invest in a pastor’s ministry, but becoming a great father and husband has been left for me to figure out. I had been waiting to react to someone else initiating those conversations with me, but sensed God convicting me to pursue it as hard as I pursue ministry.

So I started googling children’s ministry curriculum for the home, asking friends what they do to teach and empower their children to know Jesus, and how they seek to enable their kids to thrive in what they were designed to excel in.

I found sojournkids.com, which pointed me to a number of great resources, our friends in youth ministry pointed us to Southern Seminary’s Connecting Church & Home Conference audio (I’ve listened to the first session twice) and it’s been amazing. It is really just the beginning as I’ve read What Fathers Should Teach Their Sons by Glenn Brooke and pre-ordered What Every Man Wishes His Father Had Told Him.

Capturing a vision and a hope for having a healthy, proactive home life has been incredibly empowering for me and it excites me for the coming year. My hope, and I would certainly welcome your prayers, is to see my family blessed and each member of my family thriving in their love for the Lord and for others at the end of this year as a result of being proactive instead or reactive at home.

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December 26, 2011 · 11:48 am

15 Lessons in 15 months in NYC: 15-11

The end of the year is always a time to reflect over what went on and what you’ve learned from the past year. For me, this is an opportunity to reflect over the last 15 months of being in New York. These are lessons we have learned personally and from watching and interacting with others in the city. I’ve broken them up into 3 posts because I have a tendency to write too much, so today will be 15-11, Wednesday 10-6, and Friday 5-1.

15. You can’t call another city home and love where you live.

Over the past 15 months, New York has become home for us. When we first moved here, we fell into the same trap of so many transplants, that “home” was where we came from and this is where we live. Vacations become “going home” and the city suffers because you become an extended-stay tourist instead of an invested resident.

Every transplant must make the transition to New York as home and until they do, their love for the city and their community will be lacking.

When New York became the place we called home, a place where we established roots, we took ownership for the condition of our city, for the betterment and enjoyment of our neighborhood. Some say home is where the heart is, but God establishes where we live, so we can make it a home for the benefit of others.

14. You don’t REALLY need 2000sf, all the furniture that fits in it or a dishwasher

We moved from a 3-bedroom house in “everything’s bigger here” Texas to a two-bedroom apartment. We sold, gave away, or threw away about 70% of our stuff and we don’t miss it. Extra space becomes a need for furniture too easily with a big house and one day you wake up to find you don’t even use that two car garage because it’s storing all of your excess.

We’ve learned to live more simply, it’s been challenging, but really refreshing. We left a piece of furniture on the moving truck when we first moved and it was a sign of things to come as we find ourselves looking to avoid clutter for the sake of sanity.

Our 3 kids share a room and they love it (for now). There’s always a tendency to long for more, but we’ve learned (are learning) contentment enables joy to flourish in a home, and to be thankful for things we used to take for granted, like a full-size fridge and oven.

13. Evangelism is more education & advocacy than apologetic debate
When most people think of evangelism, pictures of awkward interactions where you try to convince the uninterested through intellectual arguments are often the first thing to come to mind. There’s also the stereotype of the New Yorker uninterested and hostile to Christianity.

In 15 months, I’ve met just a few hostile to Christianity and most curious about Jesus. Any hostility is mostly due to being uninformed of Jesus and mostly angry at “church”. Most of evangelism has become educating and advocating for who Jesus is, what He has done for everyone, and what He calls a people who represent (the church) Him to live for. From my experience, people here have become interested in hearing more, wanting to have these “deeper conversations” instead of avoiding religious conversations.

Jesus’ life, death, resurrection, and overall purpose are what convince people of and even desire that truth, not my carefully crafted words. I’ve learned to spend more time discussing these things and listening to actual questions about Jesus.

12. The city forces you to parent more

As a parent in the city, there can be many fears, from losing your kids in the crowds, to the dangers of walking along streets packed with more cars than they were designed to hold. One response to these fears is to shrink back, do less, and try to protect your child from all the dangers.

For us, it has forced us to parent more. To train, equip, instruct, and correct more than we did in the suburbs. It can seem non-stop because of the nature of the city, but I’ve had conversations with Eli & Calvin at their age that I wouldn’t normally have until much older. Things like why people are sleeping on the streets, collecting change on the corners, or performing for money in the subways (the last 2 Eli has thought would be good careers…).

The comforts of the suburbs have a way of hiding things that may need to be addressed while the close quarters of an NYC apartment tend to bring out the best and worst right in front of you, providing an opportunity to parent. For me, it’s made me a better, hopefully wiser, and engaged Dad.

11. God answers prayers big & small

We’ve seen God answer prayers to sell our house, get Eli into a great school, and provide a new apartment when it seemed hopeless.  We’ve also seen God answer the “small” prayers of friends for Eli and Calvin, keeping our kids healthy, and providing community for our family.

God is interested in the mundane and the monumental and prayer has revealed that to be true because He hears and He answers. Not always exactly how we want it, but it’s always been good.

Moving to New York City has blessed our family life, our marriage, and has taught us more than we know. Prayer has taught us and shown us God’s provision in all these things. It’s been a great 15 months.

Lessons 10-6 coming Wednesday.

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December 12, 2011 · 1:00 pm

Happy Birthday Mya!

Friday December 2nd, our baby girl Mya turned 1! We celebrated with Magnolia Cupcakes in the West Village with a number of friends from our church! Here’s a look at our cute little girl over the last year!

Having 3 kids in the city can be quite challenging, but incredibly fun. We love the opportunity it provides to explore parts of the city we would have never imagined existed. Seeing the city through our kid’s eyes is so refreshing and enlightening. Mya is our New Yorker so we are excited to see her grow up in the city.

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